CRAIG BROWN: My neighbour is chatty, yours is an awful gossip

CRAIG BROWN: My neighbour is chatty, yours is an awful gossip

How to conjugate your home

Our house is historic. 

Your house needs things doing.

Their house is falling down.

We boast a third storey.

You boast a loft conversion.

They boast a tiny cold bedroom in the roof with slanty walls and a single window measuring 10 inches by 8 inches.

Our house is atmospheric.   

Your house has an atmosphere.

Their house is haunted.

We have friendly neighbours.

Your neighbours drop by without warning.

They have nosy neighbours.

Whether you’re looking to impress the neighbours with your extensive vocabulary or obfuscate the unsightly details of your pied-a-terre, these are the best ways to conjugate your home

 Our neighbourhood is vibrant.

Your neighbourhood is noisy.

Their neighbourhood is deafening.

Our flat is cosy.

Your flat is poky.

Their flat is a hovel.

 We converted a barn.

You converted an out-house.

They converted a shed.

We have all the mod cons.

You paid a trip to IKEA.

They have a Breville toasted-sandwich maker.

Our neighbours love a chat.

Your neighbours keep you up-to-date with all the goings-on.

Their neighbours gossip.

My flat is compact.

Your flat is cramped.

His flat is so small that he serves Maltesers singly.

I am house-proud.

You need to keep everything in its place.

He is OCD.

I have a pied-a-terre.

You have a studio flat.

She has a bedsit.

Our house is secluded.

Your house is cut-off.

Their house is in the middle of nowhere.

We keep open house.

You go in for communal living.

They live on top of one another.

Our door is always open.

Your door is never shut.

She doesn’t mind who she lets in.

Our house is imposing.

Your house is distinctive.

Their house is ugly.

Our house has excellent transport links.

Your house is close to the road.

They live on Spaghetti Junction.

We keep ourselves to ourselves.

You are stand-offish.

They are recluses.

Our house is full of period features.

Your house is in need of refurbishment.

Their house is a wreck.

We have a back garden.

You have a back yard.

They have a patch of concrete outside the kitchen where they keep a broken bicycle, a bucket, a dead rat and a mattress.

Our garden is rewilded.

Your garden has gone to seed.

They have mice.

Our kitchen is traditional.

Your kitchen is untouched.

Their kitchen has mould.

Our sitting room is airy.

Your sitting room is draughty.

Their sitting room is windswept.

Our garden has features.

Your garden has points of interest.

Their garden has junk.

Our shops are a pleasant walk away.

Your shops are a good long hike away.

Their shops are across the bridge, first right, five hundred yards on, over the road, turn left at the crossroads, through the underpass, second left after the traffic lights and half a mile along the by-pass — you can’t miss them.

We have a kitchen island.

You have a work station.

They have an immovable object in the middle of their kitchen surrounded by uncomfortable high stools.

Our village shop provides a range of necessities.

Your village shop has the basics.

Their village shop has a tin of prunes, a copy of last week’s Hello! magazine, a box of Shredded Wheat and a six-pack of cut-price loo roll.

 

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