Jeremy Clarkson was stopped from treating his girlfriend Lisa Hogan, 47, to anything racy for Christmas Day as he opened up on his struggles in his latest column.
The Clarkson's Farm star, 61, revealed he was trying to get his Christmas presents sorted but encountered issues while shopping for Lisa and his family online.
He said he was trying to search for women's retailers for Lisa but realised his WiFi was blocking him from any sites "that contains flesh", including Lovehoney, which specialises in erotic guts and lingerie.
Jeremy wrote in his column for the Sunday Times: "I decided, therefore, to begin with women’s fashion, so I visited a site called Net-a-Porter, which, it turns out, sells every single garment ever invented.
"I’m not sure but I reckon there were at least 40,000 jumpers.
"And I couldn’t look at half of them because, for reasons that aren’t clear, my wi-fi has self-installed some kind of filter that blocks any site that contains flesh.
"For the same reason, I was unable to buy Lisa any stocking-fillers from Lovehoney."
Jeremy continued that he found he could buy actual stockings for Lisa, but he struggled to settle on an option due to the sizing issues.
He said: "It asked me what size I wanted, and here I was stumped, because the options were small, medium and large.
"What’s that got to do with it? Surely length is what matters, not width."
The last big issue was that his rural home address stopped him from receiving some of the gifts that he'd ordered in the post.
Jeremy lives on Diddly Squat farm in Chadlington, Oxfordshire, which can prove to be difficult for some delivery drivers to find.
Meanwhile, Jeremy suffered a kitchen nightmare earlier this month as he and Lisa attempted to grate some potatoes, which led to Jeremy slicing off half his thumb with a mandolin.
As he sought medical help, he was told he needed to get urgent care from a doctor or he would risk losing the use of his thumb after the nasty accident.
Jeremy shared a picture of his bloodied thumb and revealed he had to get 40 stitches in his hand to reattach the severed part of his thumb, leaving fans stunned.
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