Alternative Oscars – honouring bloodiest fight, best swearing, nookie and more

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For film fans and movie buffs the world over, the Oscars hold plenty of excitement.

But it's also very possible to appreciate the magic of the silver screen without wanting to watch the planet's biggest luvvies relentlessly thanking God for blessing them with the gift of playing pretend.

Not everyone who enjoys a trip to the flicks is interested in a discussion about the hidden meaning in the mise-en-scène.

Gongs for Best Cinematography, Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Costume Design are all well and good, but what about the things that really got you out of your cinema seat?

To complement the 93rd Academy Awards, we've come up with our very own Daily Star Alternative Oscars, honouring the blood, the bad and the sexy. Enjoy…

Best Bad Taste Joke

WINNER: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm "I swallowed the baby" scene

In all honesty we could have picked any one of a hundred bad taste jokes in the Borat sequel, but the "I swallowed the baby" scene was probably the most jarring – and funniest.

When Sacha Baron Cohen's character sees his on-screen daughter eat a tiny model baby from the top of a cupcake, he takes her to the Carolina Women’s Health Center.

The pro-life pastor they end up seeing is aghast as they talk about “taking the baby out” after Borat, the teenager's dad, "was the one who put the baby in her".

Campaigners later slammed the movie, with one saying "there is no humour or laughter to see in abortion”.

Baron Cohen would presumably argue the joke's on them.

Raunchiest Sex Scene

WINNER: 365 Days/365 DNI yacht scene

The sex scenes in this erotic thriller were so convincing, viewers were convinced actors were doing the deed for real.

But one scene in particular was so X-rated, one viewer even reported that it left them "breathless".

The Polish film centres on sales director Laura who becomes acquainted with mafia boss Massimo.

At one point, the pair romp on Massimo's yacht, with their skills and techniques shown in very graphic detail.

Let's just say it's not one to watch with your church going grandparents.

Bloodiest Fight Scene


WINNER: Unhinged for Russell Crowe vs Caren Pistorius

The final battle between the two lead characters in Unhinged makes Crowe's epic duels in Gladiator look tame.

Kiwi actor Crowe plays Tom, a positively unstable man who's just killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend when single mum Rachel (Pistorius) impatiently beeps at him to let him know the light's on green.

Think Michael Douglas in Falling Down on an even worse day.

Tom spends the rest of the film pursuing Rachel, leading to a very long, graphic, bloody fight involving scissors.

Best Swearing


WINNER: King of Staten Island

There's nothing big or clever about swearing. But done well, it can be something to behold.

And in Judd Apatow's King of Staten Island, they nail it.

Pete Davidson, who co-wrote the screenplay, plays Scott Carlin, a jobless, depressed 20-something pothead who still lives at home with his mum and is still grieving for his dad who died when he was seven.

"We're stuck with the f*****g p****s who live here," is a particular highlight.

Sexiest Outfit

WINNER: Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman 1984

The costume worn by Gal Gadot as Diana Prince in Wonder Woman 1984 isn't a huge departure from the iconic getup Lynda Carter sported in the original 1970s series – and that's a good thing.

Her main outfit is the figure hugging, strapless suit – a kind of gladiator-style corset.

The shades of red, gold and blue might have been tweaked for the modern age, but it's essentially the same as the classic.

If it ain't broke…

Best Explosion


WINNER: Capone for Tom Hardy soiling his pants

Forget the deafening blasts and fireballs in Greenland and Tenet – 2020's biggest movie explosion happened in Tom Hardy's pants.

In Capone, he depicts the mobster in his final years when he was living in Florida after his release from prison and suffering from dementia and health complications brought on by syphilis.

One of those complications was incontinence, and Hardy's character actually soils himself twice in the movie – once in bed and another time during an FBI interview.

In the former scene, his poo-covered bed is shown from above in all its brown glory. Gross.

Most Exciting Car Chase


WINNER: Tenet

Christopher Nolan's back-to-front, front-to-back spy thriller is both a cinematic triumph and a narrative mess.

But one thing stands out as an incredible action scene and that is the car chase that plays out forward, and then again in reverse.

With vehicles spinning across the road, cars speeding in reverse and daring stunts it is a spectacle like no other.

Best Baddie


WINNER: Oliver Jackson-Cohen as Adrian Griffin in The Invisible Man

For someone who you barely see for 20 minutes in the whole film, Jackson-Cohen still leaves viewers cold with his portrayal of a controlling and violent partner.

Although most of the time his character is not seen – is he invisible or is it his ex's anxiety? – when he is on screen, he plays it pitch perfect leaving viewers terrified.

Least Believable Accent


WINNER: Robert Downey Junior in Doolittle

Widely regarded as one of the worst films of 2020, there was much to loathe about Doolittle.

But Robert Downey Jr's Welsh accent was particularly awful.

He hired a dialect coach to help him master the tricky twang and said he only felt confident enough to unleash it after getting the seal of approval by Welshman Michael Sheen.

We can only imagine Sheen was being polite.

Best Naked Scene


WINNER: Patrick

You might not have expected to find a Belgian film in our list, but we appreciate international cinema as much as the next film nerd.

And with our pick of the best nudity, we've gone for silly over sexy.

Patrick stars Kevin Janssens in the title role as a middle-aged man with learning difficulties who lives with his parents in the naturist camp they own deep in the woods of rural Belgium.

Flight of the Conchords' Jemaine Clement does a star turn as a rock star caricature.

Pretty much everyone is naked in every scene, but one standout moment is when two nude fellas have a scrap.

Best Drunk Acting


WINNER: Carey Mulligan in Promising Young Woman

Promising Young Woman won the actual Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, but Carey Mulligan deserves special credit for her expertise at pretending to be sozzled.

In the film, she plays Cassie Thomas, who every week goes to a nightclub alone and fakes being drunk to snare men who take advantage of inebriated women.

The staggering, heavy eyes, slurred speech – it's all bang on, to be fair.

Not quite as good as Chris Gascoyne as Peter Barlow in Coronation Street, but not far off.

Best Scream Queen


WINNER: Morfydd Clark in Saint Maud for the nails through feet scene

Director Rose Glass said she got the idea for Saint Maud's most horrific scene from a self-bondage website.

The her psychological horror film follows Maud, a nurse who pursues a path of pious Christian devotion after trauma in her youth.

The scene in question sees her sticking upward facing nails on a postcard, which she slots inside her shoe before slipping her foot in and walking. She does it to punish herself for getting sacked and having a one-night stand.

And yes, her screams suggest it's every bit as painful as it sounds.

  • The Oscars

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