The Masked Singer is back for its triumphant FIFTH season (help) and it’s time to review all the poor souls who have voluntarily appeared on this wild show over the years. As a reminder: These unsung heroes (literally, as most of them *cannot* sing) bravely housed themselves inside a fleet of haunted costumes intent on destroying humanity. Their leader? A soulless creature from season 2 who simply goes by “Egg.”
Although we know the true identity of only one “celebrity” so far in season 5 (ahem, it’s a Muppet, I really don’t know if that counts), we do have a good sense of the characters we can expect to encounter. Highlights include: the Raccoon, the Russian Doll(s), and a figure who goes by Grandpa Monster. Yes, good idea, could someone please check on the executives at FOX? I’m worried. In the meantime, join me in paying homage to the
A B C D-list celebrities featured on this show—here’s to hoping their therapy bills aren’t too high!
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The Octopus: Dwight Howard
Truly obsessed with the fact that Dwight Howard was the first celeb of the season, wearing 55 pounds of Octopus, no less.
The Piglet: Nick Lachey
Dressing up as an overalls-wearing piglet for weeks on end is clearly a highlight of Nick’s career, second only to Newlyweds.
The Black Swan: JoJo
Two words: called it.
The Chameleon: Wiz Khalifa
Wait, the show is starting to deliver some real A-list talent and I’m here for it.
The Yeti: Omarion
Apparently, this costume weighed a full 60 pounds. But that’s nothing compared to the emotional weight of being on this show, of course.
Cluedle-Doo: Donnie Wahlberg
Whatever makes you happy, Donnie!
The Russian Dolls: Hanson
My childhood self is thriving. My adult self? Has questions.
The Robopine: Tyrese Gibson
I think we can all agree that Tyrese’s presence on this show just made it a lot cooler, so congrats, casting department!!!!!
The Crab: Bobby Brown
I’ve never loved anything more than this crab costume, and I’m including my friends and family in that statement. Come back soon, Bobby!
The Seashell: Tamera Mowry-Housley
The Orca: Mark McGrath
Moby Dick is SHAKING.
The Bulldog: Nick Cannon
The host took a break from filming after testing positive for COVID-19 and made his triumphant return in costume!
The Grandpa Monster: Logan Paul
IDK what I did to deserve the mental image of Logan Paul bursting forth from this aged monster, but here we are.
The Raccoon: Danny Trejo
“I feel like a winner! I don’t care! I love it!” —Danny Trejo emerging from a raccoon head/me trying to get through this show
The Phoenix: Caitlyn Jenner
Lurking underneath that red feathered spectacle was Olympic gold medalist, TV personality, and certified Kardashian fam member Caitlyn Jenner. She told Niecy Nash that she decided to participate in the show because she “likes challenges,” so there you go!
The Snail: Kermit the Frog
Yeah. So. The show is casting Muppets now, and I don’t know whether to be thrilled or disappointed.
The Sun: LeAnn Rimes
Behold: the winner of season 4! Will never look at the sun the same way again!
The Crocodile: Nick Carter
I mean. Yeah. This makes sense.
The Mushroom: Aloe Blacc
Cutest costume of the season, IMO.
The Jellyfish: Chloe Kim
This show is totally as exciting as the Olympics!
The Seahorse: Tori Kelly
Can only assume she’ll never be able to look at the sea or horses without screaming ever again.
The Popcorn: Taylor Dayne
Not to brag, but I KNEW IT.
The Broccoli: Paul Anka
Honestly, surprised it took four seasons to get him on this show.
The Whatchamacallit: Lonzo Ball
Ken is all of us in this video.
The Serpent: Dr. Elvis Francois
Best reveal of the season, hands down.
The Snow Owls: Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black
Wow, redefining “couple goals.”
The Squiggly Monster: Bob Saget
I am not okay in any way, shape, or form, thanks for checking.
The Lips: Wendy Williams
Can’t believe she was voted off. The audacity of this show.
The Baby Alien: Mark Sanchez
Not not convinced that Baby Alien actually tried to abduct poor Mark.
The Giraffe: Brian Austin Green
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly’s silence is deafening.
The Gremlin: Mickey Rourke
Dude was literally so over this show that he unmasked himself, bless.
The Dragon: Busta Rhymes
Honestly impressed by the talent on season 4 so far! But given the fact that Busta Rhymes was voted off in week one, I have to assume it’s all downhill from here.
The Night Angel: Kandi Burruss
CONGRATS ON WINNING, KANDI—I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS JOURNEY.
The Turtle: Jesse McCartney
No words, just :/.
The Frog: Bow Wow
Nothing surprises me anymore.
The Rhino: Barry Zito
Sorry to this man.
The Kitty: Jackie Evancho
Sending love and light to everyone who thought this was Taylor Swift.
The Astronaut: Hunter Hayes
NASA must be so proud!
The Banana: Bret Michaels
Congrats to Bret for finally breaking free from the Banana’s sinister peel.
The Kangaroo: Jordyn Woods
Gonna need Jordyn to go back on Red Table Talk and discuss this immediately.
The White Tiger: Rob Gronkowski
IDK if The Masked Singer has taken control of my brain, but frankly, I find this charming.
The T-Rex: JoJo Siwa
We get The Masked Singer reveal we deserve, tbh.
The Swan: Bella Thorne
Honestly. Yeah. Bella Thorne willingly dressing up as a swan and going on this show makes complete and utter sense.
The Bear: Sarah Palin
I refuse to discuss this chapter in our nation’s history. “This chapter” being Sarah Palin rapping “Baby Got Back” in a bear costume on national television.
The Taco: Tom Bergeron
I—and I can’t stress this enough—will never forgive Tom Bergeron for ruining tacos for me. That’s all.
The Mouse: Dionne Warwick
I love the Mouse’s costume and Dionne Warwick is a legend, so as far as I’m concerned, this was the greatest musical collaboration of all time. Next!
The Elephant: Tony Hawk
Tony Hawk emerging from that mask was truly a shock to my system. It’s like, just when you think this show can’t surprise you, a legendary skateboarder dresses in elephant cosplay. Will life ever be the same? Answer: No.
Miss Monster: Chaka Khan
Miss Monster is flawless, Chaka Khan is flawless, the end. Actually, I’m not done: The fact that she was voted off is insane, and I, for one, blame the Banana.
The Llama: Drew Carey
No man has ever been more confused than Drew Carey crawling out of that llama’s lifeless body. The image of his face emerging from a sack of fur will forever haunt me.
The Robot: Lil Wayne
Congrats to Lil Wayne for being the first actual celebrity this show has ever seen! Truly never thought I’d live to see this day due to assuming The Masked Singer would kill me first!
The Fox: Wayne Brady
Wayne Brady won this thing, which means his life for the foreseeable future will be talking about The Masked Singer. Please add him to the list of celebs you pray for every night.
The Flamingo: Adrienne Bailon
Due to devoting years of my life to stanning The Cheetah Girls, I’d like you to please respect my privacy at this difficult time. Thanks.
The Rottweiler: Chris Daughtry
Name one thing scarier then watching a cute stuffed dog decapitate its own head while crowds chant “TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF.” Exactly, you cannot.
The Leopard: Seal
Things scarier than the Leopard’s cold, dead eyes? The fact that Seal, a professional singer, agreed to do this show.
The Thingamajig: Victor Oladipo
Thanks to Thingamajig, I am now attracted to monster costumes. It goes without saying that I’ll be invoicing The Masked Singer directly for my therapy bills.
The Tree: Ana Gasteyer
I regret to inform you that the holidays are canceled because Santa accidentally watched Ana Gasteyer get mind-controlled by a Christmas tree and has been unresponsive ever since.
The Butterfly: Michelle Williams
All I am going to say is that the career trajectory of Beyoncé vs. the rest of Destiny’s Child has been…interesting to witness.
The Flower: Patti LaBelle
Patti LaBelle is a national treasure and the fact that she went on The Masked Singer is a national emergency.
The Ladybug: Kelly Osbourne
I’m honestly very much here for Kelly Osbourne dressing as the Ladybug and joining the cast of this show. What I’m not here for is her costume, which I’m pretty sure is my sleep-paralysis demon.
The Black Widow: Raven-Symoné
In case you were wondering, no, I am not willing to refrain from making the world’s most obvious joke, so on that note: THAT’S SO RAVEN!!!!!
The Penguin: Sherri Shepherd
Me after seeing the Penguin’s costume: Penguins are canceled, birds are canceled, animals are canceled, the human species is canceled, etc.
The Skeleton: Paul Shaffer
It was honestly so kind of Paul Shaffer to dress up as me during this show!!!!
The Eagle: Dr. Drew Pinsky
I don’t know about you, but I think the American bald eagle deserves a public apology for this truly damaging brand moment. Also, great to see Dr. Drew putting his medical degree to good use!
The Panda: Laila Ali
Laila Ali can literally do no wrong in my eyes, so if she wants to spend her free time dressed as the Panda on The Masked Singer, then I am in full support. Live your life, live your truth, Laila Ali!
The Ice Cream: Tyler “Ninja” Blevins
Still don’t know who this person is, but here’s what’s crystal clear: ice cream is dead to me.
The Egg: Johnny Weir
I cannot even begin to describe the palpable relief I felt when the Egg cracked, if you will, and revealed himself to be Olympic skater Johnny Weir. Finally, I was free from my emotional prison, but I’ll never be free from the memories.
The Monster: T-Pain
IDK who hurt T-Pain, but he spent weeks of his life hiding in a monster costume only to end up being crowned the winner of The Masked Singer season 1. Wow, what a thing to have on your Wikipedia page.
The Peacock: Donny Osmond
Donny strutted his stuff inside the Peacock so triumphantly that he claimed second place on this cursed show. I can only assume he’s no longer able to be around birds without bursting into tears.
The Bee: Gladys Knight
Gladys won third place during season 1, which means she was trapped in that costume for literal weeks just buzzing around (*laughs weakly*), desperately waiting to be eliminated.
The Rabbit: Joey Fatone
Remember when you were an innocent youth watching Joey Fatone dance his way through NSYNC and you were all, “Wow, this is what an A-lister looks like.” Yeah, well, Joey ended up stuffed into a rabbit costume made out of what I can only assume is the Easter Bunny’s literal skin.
The Lion: Rumer Willis
If you’d have told me last year that celebrity royalty Rumer Willis would be on this show, I’d have assumed you were lion to me. AHAAHAHAHAhahahahaah.*
*To be clear, this is the sound of me crying, not laughing.
The Alien: La Toya Jackson
The only thing more shocking than Donald Trump winning the 2016 election was La Toya Jackson, actual person with talent, doing this show and not even winning. I demand a recount.
The Raven: Ricki Lake
Honestly, Ricki Lake is exactly the type of celebrity I imagine when I think of The Masked Singer, so I have no problem with her emerging from the Raven’s body and ruining Edgar Allan Poe’s life’s work in the process.
The Unicorn: Tori Spelling
Fun fact: Jenny McCarthy suggested that Lauren Conrad might be lurking inside the Unicorn. Like, girl wouldn’t even go to Paris. You really think she’d be on The Masked Singer?
The Poodle: Margaret Cho
Upon being unmasked, Margaret Cho uttered a sentence that has haunted me for the better part of a year: “I liked the head, and I felt comfortable inside of it.”
The Deer: Terry Bradshaw
Has anyone checked on Super Bowl MVP Terry Bradshaw since he did this show? Because honestly, I’m not convinced his empty deer costume didn’t reanimate like some sort of horned corpse and attack him.
The Pineapple: Tommy Chong
The Pineapple was voted off thanks to a woefully weak performance of “I Will Survive.” Ironic due to Tommy not surviving this competition.
The Hippo: Antonio Brown
Not only did Antonio Brown agree to dance around in a hippo costume, but he was also voted off in the first episode. Truly, my heart bleeds for him.
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